Never Been Forgiven
by Dervla
Summary: Sirius Remus Slash. What if James and Remus and Peter refused to talk to Sirius after he told Snape? What if Sirius left Hogwarts because of this? What if they met up again four years later? COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1: Feelings

Never Been Forgiven  
  
I've kind of changed time to suit this story, so Sirius, James and Peter became Animagi in their second year, and found out about Remus being a werewolf in their first, and Sirius told Snape in their third year. K?  
  
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*Hogwarts, the Marauders third year*  
  
That first night Sirius cried himself to sleep, he felt awful. Just plain awful. It had taken him just seconds to realise what he had done. He didn't think his friends would ever forgive him, and he was right. Remus couldn't/ wouldn't even look at him, which in away was acceptable, Sirius had after all been Remus' best friend. Sirius knew all of Remus' secrets, just everything. And now, now Remus couldn't bear to be in the same room as him, let alone sleep in the same dormitory. As for James and Peter, well they just ignored him, pretended Sirius didn't exist. Those were the real reason's Sirius left Hogwarts. He knew he'd made a mistake, he knew he shouldn't have told Snape about Remus, but he did....and nothing would ever make that better.  
  
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Ok, that was brief. And extremely short, I might even get my second chapter up tonight at this rate. Well basically Sirius' friends refuse to talk to him after he tells Snape about Remus, and because he feels like shit, Sirius leaves. TO go to a new school at the opposite end of England to Hogwarts, but......well you'll find out what happens, I hope. 


	2. Chapter 2: Talking to Karen

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Two  
  
I forgot this in the last chapter, so: Disclaimer: Doesn't belong to me, Unfortunately, All J.K.Rowling and Warner Bros. And whomever else. (Except Anne, I made her so Peter wouldn't be lonely, even though I hate Peter with a passion!)  
  
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*Four years later, lhevon, The Marauders last year *  
  
Sirius lay on his back, gazing at the constellations on the sky above him. His mind wandered back to his time at Hogwarts, of course that was bound to happen. Seeing James and Remus and Peter and Lily and Anne (Peter's girlfriend) was bound to bring back the memories. He hadn't known they were coming. Of course he knew about the fire at Hogwarts, and how a bunch of Hogwarts students were coming to stay at his school, five in each year to be precise, but he never even considered that he would know them. Or that they would be his ex-best friends.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
Sirius entered the Great Hall laughing at a joke his Best friend, a girl he met when he started lhevon, had just made. Something about the Head Girl and Boy dating. Though that was never going to happen as Sirius was the Head Boy and Karen, his best friend, was the Head girl.  
  
"......the school was named by an ancient race of elves, which are of course long extinct. The school's name means left behind in the ancient language of Sindarin. Oh..." Professor Montoya looked up to see Sirius and Karen walking towards the small group, laughing, "Sirius, Karen do come over. You can take the seventh years up to the dormitories, okay?"  
  
"Er...of course Professor." Karen replied.  
  
"Yep!" Sirius was in very good mood, could almost be described as hyper, until "well, come along..." He beamed toward the backs of the Hogwarts students. But his smile disappeared as the five turned around; Remus, Sirius, James, Lily and Anne looked towards him with wide eyes and open mouths.  
  
In that second Sirius new world and life collapsed around him. He turned and barrelled from the room, shoving past startled prefects and teacher in an escape bid. In the back of his mind he heard Karen call his name, she sounded confused, but Sirius didn't stop, he scrambled out onto the grounds.  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
"Sirius..............Sirius I know your out here. Please come out!" It was Karen, she would be able to find him in mere seconds if she wanted to, and without calling out. But she knew him too well for that. He had changed a lot in the last four years, since he left Hogwarts. Sirius had become very studious, quiet and extremely smart, in a way. He hated when people annoyed him when he was reading and he needed his privacy. Karen knew this better than anyone.  
  
Sirius pulled himself off the ground and into sitting position, looking in the direction of Karen's voice. "I'm right here." He called out.  
  
A couple of seconds later a tall, pale girl with long, dark hair stepped through the bushes surrounding the clearing by the lake in which Sirius sat.  
  
"Sirius, Are you ok?"  
  
"I....well.....er.....I guess I am." Sirius stuttered.  
  
Karen crossed her arms and raised her left eyebrow, "Oh Really?"  
  
"Don't give me that look! I'm not some hopelessly confused first year coming to the Head Girl for help." For a couple of seconds his pride rose up over his slightly depressed self.  
  
Karen looked alarmed and slowly sat down reaching her arm out to touch Sirius' shoulder, "I know. I'm just worried about you, okay? You just ran out of the hall like that and I didn't know why." She smiled, "And I know you're not a hopelessly confused first year."  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I just didn't expect to see them, here, just when I was getting used to my new life."  
  
"Them...Who's them?"  
  
"Oh, didn't they tell you their names?"  
  
Karen stared at him for a couple of seconds, confusion written across her face. "Oh my god......Remus, James, Lily.....They're the ones from your last school aren't they?"  
  
Sirius sighed and nodded. "You saw the looks on their faces. They probably don't even want to see me again......let alone share a dormitory." He let his head droop downwards.  
  
"Well....it's not like it will be just you and them." Karen stated, trying to make him feel better, "Darren and Danny will still be there, and you can just pretend that nothing is any different."  
  
"I don't think I can. Look, Karen.....you've been my best friend since I got here, and I really love you, as a friend. But I've been best friends with James all my life, and if I have the chance I wanna make it up to them."  
  
"I know you do Sirius," smiled Karen, putting a comforting arm around him, "I know."  
  
They sat there, looking out on the lake, for another 30 minutes or so til Karen looked at her watch.  
  
"Oh god, Sirius, We have to go. We should be in our dormitories in like 3 minutes. Come on, unless you want to mar your unblemished record with a detention." She winked at him, stood up, stretched and held out her hand to help him up. "Don't worry about it, everything will work out fine."  
  
"I hope so." He looked out to the lake, took a deep breath and turned toward the castle, "Now come on, we don't want to get into trouble, do we?" With that he took off at a run leaving Karen staring after him. She laughed and rushed after him yelling, "I'll catch you Sirius Black, I will."  
  
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Okay, chapter two is up. I hope you like it, and this is only the start. If I get enough reviews I will continue this story, actually I probably will anyway.  
  
Next Chapter Sirius will see his ex-best friends.  
  
Please review. 


	3. Chapter 3: Seeing old friends

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
I have been having a really hard time deciding what to do. See, my problem is I haven't really got much of a storyline to continue on. So if it takes me weeks on one chapter please don't blame me. *hopeful smile*.  
  
By the Way, a big thank you to my reviewers so far, I hope you keep reading and enjoy my story.  
  
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Karen sped around the corner to the entrance to the Senior Common room, only to skid to a halt as collided with Sirius. They tumbled to the ground in mess of arms and legs.  
  
"Argh...My god Sirius!!"  
  
"Karen! What the...?"  
  
"Oomph...just get off me you lazy lump!"  
  
"I'm not lazy" Sirius half-heartedly replied as he slowly untangled himself from Karen.  
  
"No you're just nervous about seeing your old friends..." Karen's voice softened, "Look, if you want I'll go in before you and see if they're still up."  
  
"Nah, it's ok. Guess I'm gonna have to face them sometime." With this he walked the remaining distance to the small circular entrance to the common room, and raised his hand to push open the door, but a hand grabbed his arm.  
  
"Look, Sirius, we've been best friends for years now, and I want you to know that, no matter what, I'll always be here for you." She added as an after thought.  
  
"Of course, I know that."  
  
"I'm just saying..."Karen sighed and took a deep, calming breath, "I'm just saying that if you make friends with them again and you want to go back to Hogwarts with them, I won't hold it against you." She finished very quickly, looking at her feet.  
  
Sirius stepped towards his best friend and gently reached out and lifted her chin so she was looking directly into his eyes. "I won't be leaving you. It doesn't matter to if they refuse to talk to me because I won't return to Hogwarts. You are my best friend and you always will be."  
  
Karen couldn't help the smile that spread across her face at those words. Then a thought struck her, "But Remus? You....you love him, right?"  
  
Sirius looked up, stunned. "I...I...How'd you know that?" He looked thoughtful, "I never told you that, did I?"  
  
"No, of course you didn't. But it's pretty obvious, well to me anyway. It's in your manner, the look you get in your eyes, your in luuuuuuv ." She finished with a smile.  
  
Sirius pouted, "Fine you caught me, but I guess that just makes this whole thing harder. What if he won't talk to me again?"  
  
"I'm sure he will." Karen smiled comfortingly at him, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Are you sure you don't want me to go in first?"  
  
Sirius grinned and shook his head. Taking a deep breath he turned and gently pushed the door open. Stepping inside, he looked around the senior common room. The walls were painted ebony black with metallic silver writing over them in Elvish. The writing gleamed in the flickering candle light. In the far corner of the room, nearest the entrance to the seventh year dormitories, sat the seventh year Hogwarts students. They seemed lost in their conversation, and if it wasn't for the fact that their seats were placed around the door, Sirius could have slipped up to his dormitory without being noticed.  
  
Karen gave his hand a small squeeze before walking over to the dormitories. She gave the Hogwarts students a small smile as she walked passed them and up to the female dormitories in which Lily and Anne would sleep, while the boys would share Sirius' dormitory. Sirius sighed slightly and followed her toward the two identical dormitory doors.  
  
As head boy he was supposed to welcome them to Lhevon, maybe give them a tour...you know tell them the rules and so on. But all Sirius really wanted to do was get to his dormitory and hide in his corner bed. 'Well,' Sirius thought, 'Here goes nothing.'  
  
He walked slowly and deliberately towards the group. As he came closer he could here snippets of their conversation.  
  
"....I'm almost sure..."  
  
"...How could..."  
  
"...I really don't know..."  
  
Just as he was about to enter the small circle of chairs they had gathered round the door someone called out, "Sirius!" Simultaneously Sirius, James, Peter, Remus, Lily and Anne turned toward the small ginger haired boy who ran up to Sirius panting.  
  
"Danny?" Sirius' eyes widened in surprise. He knew Danny, and Danny only ran when it was necessary. "What's the problem?"  
  
Danny looked Sirius in the eye and said, "It's....erm..." He faded off as he noticed the eyes of the whole common room on him. Sirius prompted him with a look. "It's, well....er....here's your book." After handing Sirius a small black book with silver writing on the spine, he buried his face in his hands and ran up to his dormitory.  
  
Sirius looked at the book. It was his Elvish book (since the school was surrounded by elven history it was essential that every student learnt Elvish). Shaking his head he turned to look at his "friends."  
  
"Sirius?" It was Remus.  
  
Sirius nodded, and smiled nervously, "Hi."  
  
They whole lot of them looked stunned. They'd spent the last three hours convincing themselves that they hadn't seen Sirius, and now, he was standing in front of them.  
  
"Well...erm...Welcome to lhevon!" His grin was nervous, he didn't like the fact that they were all staring at him. He knew he had changed a lot since Hogwarts. He'd lost weight and cut his hair short, but he didn't think he looked that different.  
  
It was Lily who spook first. "It's erm good to see you Sirius." She actually looked frightened of him.  
  
"Er...good to see you too. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go." He began to walk toward the dormitory door. A gasp escaped him as James grabbed his arm and roughly jerked him round to look straight in his eyes.  
  
"Don't try and run from this Sirius." James hissed. "I think we need to talk." His eyes flashed dangerously.  
  
Memories resurfaced of Sirius' past. Dark flashing eyes filled with hate and lust, unwelcome wandering hands. Sirius whimpered and pulled back from James, his eyes wide, pupils dilated. He stumbled backwards and ran to his dormitory where he collapsed on his bed shaking violently. Tears ran down his face and he curled into himself, clutching his blankets close to him.  
  
*(Downstairs)*  
  
James stood, unmoving, looking in the direction which Sirius had ran. He looked around him, at his friends, hoping for answers to the questions written across his face, but none came. They stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity before the voice of one of the prefects said that they should go to bed.  
  
Not much was said as they separated and walked slowly to their dormitories, each lost in their own thoughts. The boys entered their temporary dormitory cautiously, looking around at the beds, three of which were occupied. Danny and Derek, who they'd been introduced to earlier were fast asleep, while the figure of Sirius Black was curled up in the corner of his bed with his back turned to them. He seemed to be asleep, so with puzzled looks on their faces the three boys changed and climbed into their respective beds.  
  
None of them noticed the large black eyes that watched the every move closely and suspiciously.  
  
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Well? What do you think? Took me ages to write. I've kinda changed my plot about six times through writing it, but I think it's okay. I hope you like it. And please review with your real thoughts, Thanks.  
  
Might be abit longer before the next chapter's up, or it could be mere days! ;-) 


	4. Chapter 4: I need to be Alone

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
Okay, well this was really hard for me to write, I just realised I'm not 100% how I get from where I am in this story to...well...what's gonna happen. Wouldn't want to spoil my story.  
  
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Throughout the night Sirius slept in short spurts. He relived old memories, memories that brought him to a cold sweat. Memories that made him kick his blankets to the floor, claiming moans and whimpers of fear from his dry lips. For hours he drifted in and out of sleep, waking up frantically to stare around the dormitory with wide, black eyes.  
  
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Sirius lay on his back staring at the luminous numbers imprinted on his clock face. 5:00. Last night had been the worst night he had had in many months. He'd convinced himself that he'd got over the trauma of his youth. It had been three years since he'd walked out.  
  
Tears welled up in his eyes, and threatened to spill out of his dark, black pools. Sirius shook his head, effectively blinking away his tears and clearly his mind of unwelcome memories.  
  
Signing he climbed to his feet. He knew he wouldn't get any sleep, or at least sleep that wouldn't reduce him to tear when he awoke. Slowly he pulled on his green school robes, and picked up his bag of school books. Sirius quietly exited the room without a glance at his sleeping counterparts.  
  
The common room was empty, as Sirius expected, so he exited quickly and made his way to the library. Taking a large silver book form the elvish section he sat down, with his legs curled under him, and began to read. For hours he sat there, engrossed in the large volume in his hand. He didn't notice the change of lighting as the rose in the sky, or the increase of volume as the library blossomed into life. Nothing mattered to him but the book in his hands, his distraction from the world around him.  
  
"Well Sirius, I guess I should have known, engrossed in Elvish History again?" Sirius' eyes barely left the page as he levelled Karen a dead glare. She backed away slightly and raised her arms in the air, "Look calm down, I just came to talk, okay? No pun intended."  
  
Sirius took a deep breath, "Yeah, sit down"- waving vaguely towards the seat beside him- "So.....what have I done now?"  
  
"It's not what you've done; it's what you haven't done."  
  
"Oh? And what great duty have I forgotten to do now?" Sirius smirked lightly; he was all about the fun.  
  
"Well, for one you were supposed to talk to your old friends, and, for two, you were supposed to be at Breakfast."  
  
"Oh, sorry, I was so busy reading I forgot all about breakfast."  
  
"Don't use that excuse with me Sirius. I know you too well." She leaned forward, "What's on your mind?"  
  
"Lots of things," He took a deep breath, "Too many to talk about."  
  
"Awww, come on Sirius you tell me everything." She stopped and looked at him thoughtfully, "Why don't we go for a walk and you can tell me then?"  
  
"Alright" Sirius said, getting up to put the book back on the self, "But then you have to promise to leave me alone to think once we're done, deal?"  
  
"Of course." Karen replied with a secretive smile as she linked her arm in his and exited the library.  
  
"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" Asked Sirius as they left the castle and began to walk towards the old buildings that littered the South end of the grounds.  
  
"Well, I'm not 100% how to start this but I'll go on anyway." She looked around to check no-one was listening, "It's something some of the girls said."  
  
Sirius looked up, "Girls? What girls?"  
  
"Oh, you know... the ones from Hogwarts. Anyway, the point is they were worried about you. They said you freaked out or something last night, I'd didn't get all the details, maybe you could tell me what happened."  
  
Sirius kept his eyes on the ground, "I suppose I could, but I'm not sure myself. Is there anyway we could talk about this later?"  
  
Karen stared at him for a long while, contemplating whether that was a good idea or not. After a couple of minutes she said, "If you promise we will talk about this. I know you; just promise me you will tell me. Okay?"  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Think about it, I'll see you at lunch." With that she turned and walked off, towards the castle.  
  
Sirius signed and smiled to himself. He didn't know what he was going to say to her, but he needed to sort out what happened last night before he could talk about it. A big part of him hated it; he hated the fear, the pain...everything that memories brought back to him. He sat there, with his head buried in his hands, on the ruins of an old Elvish building, and cried. He didn't know why, but it made him feel better. His sobs were quiet, but heartfelt. Left alone, in the middle of the ruins of a once great race he poured out his soul in quiet, lonely tears.  
  
*At the other end of the ruins *  
  
"Well, there's definitely something he's not telling us, but then, why should he?"  
  
"What do you mean Lily?" Confusion evident in Remus' voice.  
  
"Oh come on, he made a big mistake," she stopped at the look James gave her, "you know Sirius, or at least you did, he wouldn't have done that deliberately.....Any way, that's beside the point. The point is he hasn't seen us in four years, and then we turn up at his school. We can't expect him not to have changed... or to just spill everything that's happened to him. I mean we are the reason he left."  
  
There was a long, stretched out silence as Lily finished. She smiled slightly. "I guess," James began, "but...I dunno I sort of expected more than an odd look, a quick hello, you know? I've been best friends with him all our lives, I didn't expect him to just move on like that."  
  
"He probably didn't," Remus said thoughtfully, "but I guess he had no choice. Sirius had to leave Hogwarts, so he had no choice but to make new friends."  
  
"Look guys," Anne seemed to bud in on an argument in making, "I know this is hard for you, but you're going to have to accept that Sirius has moved on, although he has changed a lot."  
  
"You can say that again!" piped Peter.  
  
"I know," Remus said quietly, "Did you see how much weight he's lost?" He spoke with a sad edge to his voice, "Or how he's cut his hair short? I remember a Sirius who would have screamed bloody murder if you brought a pair of scissors anywhere near his hair."  
  
They laughed. "Yeah..."James sighed. "We should talk to him; you know try and make friends again." He looked at Remus, "I understand if you don't want to talk to him again Remus, but I really miss my best friend." James looked around at his friends, "I mean you guys are great and all, but I've been best friends with Sirius my whole life, I can't just give him up."  
  
Remus smiled, "I got to say I agree." Everyone looked stunned, "Okay, I know this sounds weird, but I guess I forgave him ages ago. I told him everything, I trusted him, and yes, he did make a mistake but I know he didn't really mean to hurt me, and I can't hold a grudge forever."  
  
Lily grinned, "Well that's good, now lets go find him so we can tell him we want to be friends again."  
  
"Ugh, Guys?"  
  
"Yeah Peter?" James groaned.  
  
"I don't think we'll have to look far to find him."  
  
"Oh and why's that?"  
  
"Because he's sitting over there." Peter pointed towards a thin figure, with short curtained hair, who sat upon an old rock with his face in his hands.  
  
"Well, then we should go say hi, right?" Lily looked hopeful.  
  
"Yeah, I'm dying to get my best friend back." James said with a happy smile, and the group began to walk towards the lone figure sitting on an old, worn rock...  
  
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Well, what did you think? I really hope you liked it, took me ages to write. Though it could be a bit longer before my next chapter is up since I go back to school on Monday. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, but it could be next week.  
  
Please review......the more reviews the quicker the next chapter will be up. Lol ( 


	5. Chapter 5: I'm not mad

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
I actually found this chapter really hard to write, so forgive me for taking so long, I really have tried.  
  
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Sirius' mind raced as he cried away the fears from his mind, the fears being little more than memories. Though one thought bothered him, James. Why had James brought back the memories? He didn't understand. Could it have been because James had come so close to stopping it, to stopping everything? Maybe he just blamed him, for not coming all the way down...for not being there when he was needed. Not that he would have, they weren't talking at the time.  
  
Sirius shook his head slightly. He couldn't think any further, if he did he knew he would blame James. But that wasn't fair, it was his fault, and he had to live with his weakness. He felt a sob build up  
  
As his old friends approached from behind he stood up, and wiped his eyes dejectedly. He sighed, took a deep breath, and went to walk away, when...  
  
"Sirius? Can we talk?"  
  
Sirius spun around before James had even finished his sentence. For a second their eyes connected, before Sirius submitted, lowering his eyes. A sad habit of his, showing the weak and emotional boy he had become. James looked a bit uncomfortable, for the Sirius he knew would probably have laughed or glared at him.  
  
"What's the problem?" Sirius kept his head down and his voice merely above a whisper, so they had to strain to hear it.  
  
"Sirius..." Said Lily stepping forward, "there's no problem, we just want to talk...To you." She added as an afterthought.  
  
He looked up, stunned. "I...I...I" He stuttered, unsure of what to say. Remus smiled sympathetically, urging him on with a light smile. Sirius stopped, closing his mouth almost instantly. His eyes widen with fear as he began to back away, taking small steps.  
  
"Sirius!....Wait....please? We just want to talk. Please?" Remus looked alarmed, but Sirius didn't look convinced. Eyes still wide, breathing slightly laboured, he slowly nodded, but didn't make a move forwards. "Look, Sirius, I'm sorry...I didn't mean for you to leave. I was just upset-"  
  
Sirius cut him off, "It was my fault. I shouldn't have told Snape anything," He flinched at the use of Snape's name. "But...erm...I... er..." Sirius trailed off.  
  
"Let's just talk for a while ok," James moved forward, looking back for support from his friends, "We've forgiven you...if you've forgiven us."  
  
Sirius gasped, "erm...er...I..."his voice wavered, "I'm not mad...er...I'm...erm...very happy here." He smiled nervously. The group stared at him. Panic raised in him as he felt their eyes drilling into him. In a split second his brain seemed to split in half, one half wanted to run, the other wanted to give them a chance. "Er...I have to go..." The first half won, as he turned and ran from them, directly into the headmistress...  
  
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I hope you like it, took me ages to write. I'm really sorry, I'm stuck on this really bad writers block, and I've got exams next week, so you'll have to wait. 


	6. Chapter 6: A Chance to Talk

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
I have tried really hard to get this one up quickly because I know what's going to happen... hope ya enjoy (and review because that makes me happy ( )  
  
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Professor Montoya looked down her nose to the boy sprawled in front of her, rubbing his head. She cocked an eyebrow at him, "What, may I ask, do you think you're doing? Running? And not looking where you're going? Where are you going?" She finished curiously.  
  
Sirius just stared back at her...He tried to speak a couple of times, but no words came out. For once Sirius Black had no come back.  
  
It Was James who came to his rescue, "He was...er...going to get us a book...on the history of this school, and we were erm curious since we're going to be staying here for a while." James finished lamely.  
  
The others all nodded their agreement while Sirius smiled weakly.  
  
She looked dubiously at them, but nodded anyway, "Yes, I know how passionate Sirius is about his elvish history," she smiled lightly, "Though that's no excuse for rule breaking. Sirius, I'll see you in my office tonight." The Professor finished seriously.  
  
Sirius sighed and nodded dejectedly. Professor Montoya returned his nod, turning her back and walking down toward the beach by the school. Sadly, Sirius climbed to his feet, wiping off his green robes.  
  
"S-Sirius?"  
  
Though the urge to run still held strong within him, he ignored it, and turned slowly to face his former friend. Putting on a brave face he smiled, "Yes?  
  
"Can we talk?" Remus looked desperately, "Please?  
  
"I suppose I owe you that much." He laughed tensely, and gestured for them to sit among the ruins. They did, and he sat opposite them, leaving a couple of meters between them, so they had to speak slightly louder than normal to hear each other. "So what do you want to talk about?"  
  
"Er...well...I'm not sure exactly." James looked straight into his eyes. He saw the pain, the suffering and the fear there...but he also saw the hope, the hope that there was a chance of survival, of freedom. He nodded, "Tell us why you tried to run?"  
  
"I...I. can't. I'm sorry." He said honestly, "I wish I could, but I can't." There was a long, strained silence. "Maybe we could talk about something else." Sirius began hopefully.  
  
"Ok. So have you been doing much?"  
  
"I guess. New school...well, not so new anymore. Er you?"  
  
"We're good. Missed you though." James smiled at Sirius, as the others nodded behind him.  
  
Sirius grinned, "I missed you too. So your head boy?" James nodded, and Sirius turned his attention to Lilly, "Head girl?"  
  
"That's me!" She smiled, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around James.  
  
Sirius' eyes widen, and his eyebrows rose, "You're together?" They both smiled. Partially because they were together, but also because Sirius was reverting to his former self.  
  
"And I'm with Anne," Peter piped in, wrapping his arm around Anne's shoulders. She smiled lightly and looked at him, "What about you Sirius? Got anyone special?"  
  
As Sirius opened his mouth to speak a voice reached them, "Sirius? Sirius are you out there?"  
  
"I'm over here!" Sirius called back, and then looked at the others faces, "And no, I'm free as a bird."  
  
"Sirius. I've been looking for you." She noticed the others, "Oh! Well I guess you have an excuse for being late then." She said smiling at them.  
  
"L-late?" Sirius stuttered.  
  
Karen raised her right eyebrow, "For practice."  
  
"Oh. Oops. I forgot." He grinned sheepishly, "Are the guys mad?"  
  
"Course not, we were just worried. You never miss practice."  
  
"Right, should we go now?"  
  
All through this exchange James and his friends stood silent, curiosity and confusion on their faces. It was James who spoke out first, "What do you do? Quidditch?"  
  
Karen got a funny look on her faces, and looked at Sirius, "What's Quidditch?"  
  
Sirius groaned and the others stared at him. "It's a game I played at Hogwarts." He turned his attention to James, "As you've probably guessed, I don't play Quidditch any more. I play Amin lava, which is an elvish game. Its name means "I yield". I should go now; if you want I'll tell you about it later." He smiled at them.  
  
"Er... yeah, that would be nice. See you later then."  
  
In response Sirius just nodded and turned, walking away with Karen asking him questions all the way on Quidditch, its rules and how it's played.  
  
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Well, I hope you like it. I'm really surprised I got this up, since I'm in the middle of exams and all. But I've only got two more days left so I should be able to write more soon. One thing I want to say is thank-you to all my reviews and un-reviewing reader. Lol, Please review. Also got to say that I felt that since the school has an elvish history, they should play an elvish game, don't you agree? Well please review anyway and I'll work on getting more up soon. 


	7. Chapter 7: Arguements

Never Been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
I have tried really hard to get this one up quickly because I know what's going to happen... hope ya enjoy (and review because that makes me happy ( )  
  
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"Sirius!! Where have you been? We've been looking for you." Adam (The team captain) looked at Karen, "Where'd you find him?"  
  
"I'm right here!" Sirius cried indignantly, "You could ask me!"  
  
Adam laughed, "Forget it. I'm sure you have a good excuse, but I'm not really interested, so let's just get on with the practice."  
  
With that the group moved off into formation, splitting in two to make two teams. As the wind picked up in the back round Adam yelled, "We only have time for one quick game, but it should be enough...so lets make it quick. Right?" In reply there was a general stamp of approval and the players thundered onto the pitch and a game began.  
  
Back at the ruins  
  
"So...that was...er...interesting?" James looked round appealingly.  
  
"Er...yeh, I guess." Lily said thoughtfully. "But I...I eh I dunno if we should meet-him-later."  
  
Four pairs of startled eyes stared at her. Lily squirmed under her friends eyes, "Its just...well...he seems to have this whole new life without us, and he obviously doesn't want us to be part of it." She said this in a very low voice, but very quickly so her friends were just about clinging onto her words.  
  
"I guess." Remus lamented.  
  
James looked too stunned for words, while Peter and Anne nodded their agreement.  
  
"Whoa, Whoa. What is wrong with you people?! I mean, we have been looking for Sirius so we could have him return to Hogwarts with us again for almost four years!! And NOW NOW when we finally have the chance to be friends again your all running scared." James raged on, turning to face Remus, "And you! I thought you loved him!! You of all people should be willing to befriend him again!" He stopped to breath, looking round the small group. It was only when he saw the shocked looks on Anne and Peter's faces that he realised just how much he'd given away. Slowly he turned his attention to Remus, only to meet two very cold golden eyes, reflecting hurt, pain and fear. In a swish of black robes Remus was gone, running of towards the beach in the distance.  
  
Three pairs of startled eyes followed him, and a silence desended upon the shrinking group.  
  
"Should we follow him?" Asked Anne timidly, still in slight shock over James's untimely admission on Remus' behalf.  
  
"No," replied Lily thoughtfully, "I think he needs some time alone to gather his thoughts, plus we should go get dinner." At Peter's look she hastily added, "And we'll keep Remus some." Peter looked down heartened, but brightened up when the conversation turned to food. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Well, it's extrememly short, but I think it's a bit of a cliff hanger. I promise you some serious conversation will go on in the next chapter, and you might even find out what happened to Sirius. Okay, talk to you soon, and please review.  
  
Oh and thanks for your other reviews. 


	8. Chapter 8: What an old friend can do!

Never been Forgiven  
  
Chapter Eight: What an old friend can do!  
  
Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.  
  
On the Pitch  
  
"Well, good game guys, and girls." Adam added with a laugh, glancing at Karen. "Just one thing though, Sirius, erm I think we should talk for a second." He looked meaningfully at the others.  
  
Slowly the team departed, with Karen giving Sirius comforting looks, for talking to Adam after a practice was never considered a good thing. "Look, Sirius," Adam began, looking a bit unsure of himself, "I know you're having a hard time, with the people over from Hogwarts and all, but you mustn't forget just how important our coming matches are? Why we don't we go for quick walk, okay?" Adam looked way nervous, he fiddled incessantly, and looked anywhere but Sirius as he checked there was no-one around to observe them, or overhear their conversation.  
  
------  
  
Sirius nodded, and they set off together, by pure fluke heading in the direction of the beach.  
  
"so....what is it you wanted to talk about?"  
  
"It's you Sirius."  
  
"Me?" Sirius raised his eyebrow.  
  
"Yes Sirius." Adam seemed to think this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Look, you're playing has got worse, and I don't even want to begin on your attention span. You've lost all your concentration, and not to mention your becoming one of the, shall we say, less adept at elvish."  
  
Sirius looked stunned, he tried to speak a few times, but had to stop as he seemed to find nothing to say, and so settled for just staring at Adam with an open mouth. He was really out of words; no-one had ever said anything to him about his elvish abilities. He'd always been the best, the quickest to learn, the top of the class- but now he felt like just another dunce, someone who lounged at the back of the classroom with no idea of what's going on.  
  
Adam watched Sirius' reactions carefully. He seemed totally lost, so Adam saw this as his chance, and gently put his arm around Sirius, turning him slowly towards him. Sirius was obviously too confused, and lost in his own thoughts to notice anything, until he felt a pair of lips on his mouth. In mere seconds Sirius was pulled back to reality, as he opened his eyes wide to see that Adam, his coach and mentor, was kissing him fiercely.  
  
Sirius pulled back, pushing Adam to the ground. His eyes were wide, and his pupils were dilated. Adam stuttered slightly and began to speak but was cut off by Sirius. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?...WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?" Sirius yelled.  
  
"I...I ..."Adam shakily climbed to his feet.  
  
"You know what?! Fuck You!" With that Sirius Punched Adam in the face, hard, and stormed off. His face was red with rage, and his was muttering to himself.  
  
His mind was so occupied that he didn't notice where he was going. Finally, when he felt he was far away from Adam, Sirius collapsed onto the cold sand. Tears ran down his face unchecked, and silent sobs escaped his mouth.  
  
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Remus looked up at the sound of someone approaching. His eyes widened in shock as he saw it was Sirius. Sirius' face was livid with anger, though he seemed to be keeping something down inside, his lips were slightly redder than usual, and his hands were shaking. But this all changed in a split second as Sirius collapsed to the ground. He was crying – hard - and his shoulders shook with raw emotion.  
  
Remus didn't know what to do. He felt like he should go to Sirius, talk to him, make everything better. But he didn't know, he didn't know what was wrong, and, worse of all, he didn't know weather Sirius would accept his comfort or not. Eventually Remus decided that he couldn't just sit there, hiding behind a rock, and watch Sirius cry, he had to do something. Slowly Remus climbed to his feet, and, as quietly as he could, advanced the crying boy – or wait ... man? – and gently sat down beside him.  
  
Sirius didn't look up, but he seemed to sense someone's presence, for he covered his face, and tried to appear calm. Remus sighed, more to himself than Sirius, and crooned gently, "Sirius, Sirius....Are you okay?" A bit lame he knew, but what else could he say. Though it was a bit obvious that Sirius wasn't okay.  
  
At that Sirius looked up, directly into Remus face, for a second a look of immense fear and confusion shone in his, but just as quickly as it had come, he covered it up. His face became a mask of calm, even though he still had the tell-tale marks of tears in his eyes. Remus smiled at him, hoping that his smile gave Sirius some kind of comfort – which he obviously needed – and that maybe it would give them the bases for a fresh start, a new friendship. Sirius returned the smile, and, with a glint of humor in his eye, murmured , "And I half expected to see Adam."  
  
Sirius' dry humor was lost on Remus, "Adam?" He looked extremely confused, "Whose Adam?"  
  
"Oh...Adam's just the complete bastard who just tried to kiss me when he should have known that..." Sirius trailed off, realizing what he had just said. In what had been a carefree moment of memories of an old, brilliant and amazing friendship Sirius had almost given away what he considered to be his deepest and darkest secret - His love for Remus.  
  
"Should have known what Sirius?" Remus spoke gently, but his eyes glinted with curiosity. To Sirius it was just like old times, when he was happy, and popular. God how he missed that!  
  
"I... You know? Forget it." Sirius shook his head sadly, "IT doesn't matter anyway."  
  
"You sure?" Remus looked worried, as he gently pulled Sirius into his arms.  
  
Sirius shrieked in fear and pulled away, "I...I... What are you doing?" Sirius stuttered.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just....you looked so sad ... and I just thought....look I'm sorry."  
  
"No it's me, I'm just not used to it. I mean ... er ... I guess a lot has changed", he added sheepishly.  
  
"Suppose it has." Replied Remus sullenly. "I never wanted it though. I mean.... I always thought we'd be friends, I just ... was upset." He looked up, straight into Sirius' eyes, "I was never really angry at I you, I just didn't understand."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean maybe we could be friends again, you, if you want?"  
  
"Sure. Just... Will you promise me something?"  
  
"That depends." Remus answered slowly, "Will you tell me what's going on? Please?"  
  
"Fine," replied Sirius, a little sullenly, "Promise me you won't ... just don't, even just for now..."  
  
"Don't what Sirius?"  
  
Sirius turned away from Remus to face the sea, "Don't touch me."  
  
Remus looked both shocked and stunned. He tried to speak, but couldn't think of anything to say. Finally he found his voice, after what seemed like hours. "Is there a reason behind all this?"  
  
"Of course." Sirius voice was barely a whisper.  
  
"Are you going to tell me?" Remus joined Sirius looking out at the sea. As the moon rose over the horizon, Sirius face was highlighted, tears glinted on his cheeks, and in his eyes.  
  
Sirius looked at him, "Maybe, but I don't know if I can still trust you. I mean," Sirius looked down to the ground, "I hardly trust anyone anymore. Even Karen, and it took me years to gain what little trust we have."  
  
"And that would be our fault, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Maybe, But what happened later wasn't you fault."  
  
"Later? You mean when you left Hogwarts?"  
  
"No, I mean, the other reason I left Hogwarts." Sirius voice was getting quieter and quieter, and even Remus' wolf-like hearing meant he had to strain to hear him.  
  
"What other reason?" Remus asked quietly.  
  
"Snape, Malfoy, all their cronies."  
  
"Why? They never bothered you earlier. What happened?"  
  
Sirius looked at Remus, carefully avoiding his eyes. What was he to do? He couldn't tell Remus the truth, he would hate him. Suddenly an idea came to his head, he would lie. That's what he would do, it would be hard, to lie to the one person he'd ever truly loved.  
  
Sirius had closed his eyes, and that worried Remus. He leaned forward slightly, but sat back up when Sirius opened his eyes. There were deep feelings in there, fear and pain. But would Sirius tell him where they came from? Would he ever discover the truth?  
  
Sirius looked straight into Remus eyes, and all his walls collapsed. The lies he was going to tell, disappear, and he knew he couldn't lie. Remus hold was too strong for him. As if this brought all his last few years of covered up feelings up, he broke down in tears, and for the first time, ever Remus broke a promise, he leaned forward and pulled Sirius into his arms. But Sirius didn't pull away as Remus had feared he would do, instead he clung to Remus as if to let go would be for him drown in a world of pain. As he clung to Remus one word escaped his mouth, "Rape."  
  
---  



	9. Chapter 9: Time to Talk

Never been Forgiven

**Chapter Nine: Time to Talk**

Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling. 

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"Sirius?" Remus ventured. It was late in the night, the moon was high overhead, and Sirius still lay shivering in Remus arms. Long ago his heart-rendering sobs had numbed to muffled tears to complete silence. A muffled 'yes?' answered his question. "I hate .... No, that's not the right word ..." His arms tightened around Sirius. "..." Remus sighed, giving up, "We should go in. Its getting cold."

Sirius turned to look out to the sea. "that's not what you were going to say." His voice was almost harsh, lingering on cold, but he was deadly quiet leaving a brief second of depressing silence, before he plunged into his explanation, for once he would tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. "I guess it all started that night. The night of the full moon.... I ran into Snape on my way down to meet James and Peter. For well.... To change." Sirius was shaking again. This was the first time he had told anyone, everything, and the memories were painful. "He knew, he knew about you....a...and he provoked me... calling... calling you names I don't want to repeat. I tried god I tried to keep my temper but I...I couldn't... and I told him about you, and the willow.

"I guess it was the next day everything started. I realised everything.....I knew how angry you all were with me. And that hurt, hurt me more than I thought possible. I think it was that when it all began... the first time..." Sirius sadly trailed off.

He took a deep breath, "I was down by the lake, I think it was the Saturday after the full moon." Sirius paused and swallowed, hard. "I guess I was thinking back, reliving that night. Too lost in memories to notice them approaching....he...he...grabbed me from behind. Then he started to yell....and...a...and..." Sirius brook down at that point.

"S'ok Sirius. You don't have to say anymore, I know." Remus crooned gently rubbing the shaking boy's back.

"Crabbe wu...wu...was holding me, when I heard... I heard...people."

Remus looked surprised, "People?"

"You, James, and Peter. I could hear you laughing, dunno what you wear saying." Tears streamed down Sirius face as he spoke. Remus looked shocked, but stayed quiet. "Once you were out of ear shot it begin." Sirius shook all over. Remus had trouble hearing his next words through his sobs. "There were 8 of them. Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Snape, Parkinson and Zabini."

"Oh Sirius, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It was my fault, not yours... if only I'd been stronger-"

"Don't ever say that. Sirius you're stronger than anyone I know. If anything it is my fault, no Sirius let me finish. If I hadn't been so angry with you for no reason, you would have been with us, and hell maybe you still would be with us. Maybe you would never have left if I wasn't such an idiot." At this Sirius tried to protest, but Remus stopped him, "No Sirius I was. I was never that angry with you, just confused. You were my best friend, and I guess I felt betrayed. But it gave me no right to treat you the way I did, and for that I'm sorry."

They sat in silence for a long time, each reliving memories of times when their friendship was strong, and they were much closer. Sirius was first to speak, "We've changed, I've changed."

"I noticed" commented Remus wiry.

"Well, it was just after...everything, it was hard not to. You know I got this whole new life, I was nervous about people. It took me two years to make friends. I guess I was afraid, so I turned to studying and I changed my look, my hair and even my sport. The biggest changed happened the summer of last year, when I left home."

Remus gasped, "You what?"

Sirius couldn't help but smirk, he was very proud of the way he had left home. "It was the third week in, I think. I generally lose count of the time when I'm at home." He grinned, "Karen thinks it's funny. You gotta agree?!" He looked expectantly at Remus, who just stared back, obviously shocked. "No? O....K. Well, anyway, I was arguing with my erm sibling, and my dad somehow got into the fight, My memory's a bit fussy on this. I think that's funny. Still no laughs, well basically I punched him, my dad, after that I couldn't stay so I left, but not before giving my brother a piece of my mind. God that was funny."

"I see" Remus looked deep in thought.

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Karen walked around waiting for Sirius to return. Hearing a sound she looked up, and saw Adam walking towards her, alone. He looked awful, he had a bruise on his face, and looked as if he'd been crying. She approached him cautiously, "You ok? What happened?"

Adam was stunned he spoke in an awed voice, "I-I kissed him. So beautiful, and I just kissed him-"

Karen cut him off, grabbing him and shaking him-hard, "Who? Come on Adam , Tell me, Who did you kiss?"

"Sirius." It was barely a whisper but Karen heard it as if it had been yelled at her.

"You What?" She was shaking with rage, "How could you? YOU IDIOT!" Barely able to contain her anger she lauched into a-ten-minute-long-lecture of which cannot be written down and have this story rated PG-13. Finally, still shaking with rage and suppressed fury she gave him the dirtiest look she could muster and stormed off toward the school.

After searching the school Karen entered the Vasa-marde - Food-hall – where she ran into Peter, James, Anne and Lily who reported that Remus, too, was missing. "Well, Do you think we should see if we can find them?" Karen spoke after a long minute of silence, trying hard to become friends with the people Sirius considered very important in his life.

James looked awkward, he couldn't but be nervous around the one person who knew his 'best friend' better than him, "Yeah, let's." And so, slowly the five exited the Vasa-marde, talking quietly.

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Well, their you have it, I updated. And I know how I'm going to finish this fic, with just one chapter, and I have a plan for a sequel. Firstly I'd like to say thank-you to all my reviewers-

Prisoner-of-Sirius

Gilana1

Lizzie24

Keeper Of Destiny **(I'd like to thank you loads for being their for me and I've decided to dedicate this fic to you, my best friend.)**

Egwene

SP-in-Sirius-Denial

RanmasAngel

strangled lies

Hp-Azn

kurtcobain4eva

Aililou **(Another of best friends, thanks loads to you too!)**

Padfoot's Heir

a-chick-that-likes-ur-story

Doneril

Hannio

alana chantelune

Well, thanks to all of you, and please update to keep me writing. Lol, love ya loads.

Dervla


	10. Chapter 10: A Moment of Peace

Never been forgiven

**Chapter Ten: A Moment of Peace**

Disclaimer: All but this storyline, Anne, Karen and all from Sirius' new school belongs to J.K.Rowling.

Remus sat staring at Sirius, breathing calmly. Finally he looked down, hiding the tears that leaked out the sides of his eyes as he thought of the life of Sirius. "Sirius," Remus began, "I'm Sorry. Ok? Don't say some of this wasn't my fault, because if I had never held the grudge for so long you would never have left. Did you hear what happened the day we found out you left?" Sirius shook his head, looking confused, but stayed silent. "We didn't, it was about the third day that you had been missing that I said to James and Peter that you were missing. Well, we were distraught, we searched the school, asked everyone we saw, but no-one had seen you in at least two days. It was Anne who'd seen you; she said that she saw you dragging your trunk down the stairs during school hours. Said she'd seen you walk out the door and climb onto the 'day bus'. Terrified the three of us rushed to see McGonagall, and she told us you'd left."

"I cried, James cried, Peter moaned. We felt awful. It took another few weeks for the rest of the school to realise. People blamed us; they said it was our fault. James took the abuse silently, Peter fought back, and I, well I guess I backed away from it, hiding away in the library." Remus sighed, he was about to give away a secret, and he knew he had to tell someone. Remus met Sirius eyes, "It was then I first cut my wrist."

Sirius jumped, shock written over his features, "Y-You ssself-harmed?"

"I know it was wrong, I guess even then I knew it was wrong but it made me feel better. Helped keep the others at bay, the words, and it didn't hurt anymore. Then James found out. I guess I was lucky he did." Remus paused, and rolled up the sleeve of his left arm to show long jagged scars. Some looked as if they had been caused by the wolf, but the others were obviously deliberate, deep. "Werewolf healing powers means they look older than they are. I only stopped about 3, maybe 4 months ago."

There was a long drawn out silent before Sirius spoke. Breaking the silence to make a valid point. "You realise that we could apologise to each other all night and not get anywhere. Really the only point is that I love you." Sirius froze, realising what he had just said. "I...I mean we can sill be friends?" He asked weakly.

But Remus couldn't make his brain move past what Sirius had said about love. He spoke slowly, as if his brain was just processing the information, "You love me?"

Sirius couldn't lie. He sighed, "Yes, I'm in love with you."

There was another silence, this was much longer. A crow crowing the distance was the first sound punctuating the silence that surrounded them, alerting them to the fact the sun was rising over the sea. It was this which gave Remus the confidence to make the first move; slowly he leaned forward, lifting Sirius' face toward his, and gently pressed his lips to Sirius. It was soft and gentle, slow an un-intruding, just a simple expression of true and unconditional love.

A smile was set firmly on Sirius' features as he gently disconnected himself from Remus. Sighing in the pure bliss of it all, Sirius pulled Remus into his arms. "You know, I think I just found what I've been looking for?"

"Hmm?"

"What kept me from ever having a relationship?"

"Oh?" Remus looked interested.

"I needed you." The comment was simple, but it meant the world to Remus, who snuggled deeper into Sirius' arms, smiling to himself.

"And I needed you."

"I know," came the tired reply. It didn't take them too long to fall asleep, feeling perfectly at home in each others arms.

END

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I'm so sorry, it's a bit short, but that's not quite the end. There will be a sequel....there's so much I haven't included, but I wanted the ending to be short and sweet. Give me a couple of months and I'll have the sequel up...haven't got a name yet. Anyway please review if you would like a sequel. Love you all loads and thanks for your support. I'm really looking forward to the sequel, and I hope you are too.

Please Review

Dervla xoxox


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